Quiet Mind

Title: The Quiet Mind
Characters: Adam/Austin and Joey



Standing at the front of the door, Austin took a deep breath and slowly let it out.  Damn it, he thought. Whoever had said taking deep breaths would calm a person, had lied.  Austin still felt tense and on edge.  Next he tried shaking his arms and legs, hoping the movement would release the pent up muscles. No, all that had done was convince any neighbors who'd happened to be outside that he was crazy.  Austin could feel his tension turning inward to anger at himself.   He needed to let it all go before he went inside; Adam would take one look at him and he'd know that Austin was upset.

"Blank your mind," he said softly to himself.  But the more he tried to clear all the thoughts out of his mind, the more riotous they became.  The more his thoughts ricochet through his head the angrier he became with himself.

"Fuck it!" As that came out louder than he intended, Austin looked around the quiet neighborhood.  Seeing no one about, he was almost sure no one had heard him, and decided to go on inside before he made a bigger spectacle of himself.

He gathered up his duffle bag that carried his equipment, opened the door, walked in and came face to face with Adam.

"Did you get it all out?" Adam asked gently.

Damn it, Austin thought.  Adam was getting all to good at seeing inside of him.  When Austin had been regular army and deployed, he could hide his feelings from Adam.  But now that he was home everyday, Adam was learning how to read him. Of course the little show that Austin put on when he was standing on the front porch probably gave Adam a clue. Austin could feel the color rise in his face.  He ducked his head down and murmured out, "Yeah, yeah.  I'm all good."

"Look at me." The gentleness was gone from Adam's voice. "You look me in the eye."

Austin steeled himself not to flinch.  It was his own fault he'd tried to hide himself from Adam, he deserved the hard tone. Lifting his head, he met his lover's eyes.

"I can call and cancel," Adam said.  "Joey would understand."

Huffing out a laugh, Austin replied, "No, he wouldn't."

"You're right, he wouldn't. But he would get over it."

Austin took another useless deep breath and said, "I'm ok."

"Lie to me again, and I'll spank you," Adam said almost conversationally as he took Austin's bag.

Austin felt his stomach twist at the word spank. He couldn't decide if he wanted to try and convince Adam he was ok or just ignore the whole situation.  He decided on the later as Adam put his EMT bag in the closet.

"Do I have time for a shower before Joey gets here?"

"He'll be here in about an hour.  So you have time to talk to me," Adam said.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Austin growled out, "There's nothing to talk out!  It was a rough day.  Everyone has them!"  And all of a sudden it seemed like a dam had broken and Austin couldn't stop himself.  "Wars are breaking out all over, and soldiers get deployed.  Disease spread and people get sick and die!  People lose hope and kill themselves! And people just have bad days!"

Austin couldn't contain himself anymore.  All the rage, the sorrow, the hopelessness he'd felt all week boiled over.  The riot in his head exploded into violence and his fist slammed into the closet door.

The silence that rang throughout the room was loud. Louder than the slam of Austin's fist in the door, louder than his voice as he'd shouted out his rant.  Then the silence was shattered when Adam spoke.

"Let me see your hand," he said.

Austin's hand acted independently and reached out to Adam.  He couldn't believe he'd just lost it like he had.  He had never been a violent person.  That may sound at odds with having been a soldier, but the military wasn't about violence.  It was about order and rules and a brotherhood of men protecting their country. And Austin missed that.  He liked having the structure of the military.  He liked the discipline he'd had.  But as much as he missed the order and structure, he loved being home with Adam every night.  Just at times, life got overwhelming.

"I just got overwhelmed," Austin admitted.

Adam looked up from inspecting Austin's hand.  "All you had to do was tell me."

"Well yeah. But it sounds stupid.  And we are men.  Grown men," Austin explained.

"What does being men have to do with anything?"

Austin looked at Adam in surprise.  "Well, um, men don't really talk about this stuff.  And grown men should be able to handle themselves.  Shouldn't get overwhelmed like this."

He watched as Adam lifted both eyebrows in exaggerated surprise.  "Really?  So we aren't supposed to talk?  We aren't supposed to share our burdens with each other?  Damn, I've been doing it wrong my whole life!"

Austin blushed at the reprimand evident in Adam's voice.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Adam said recognizing the look on Austin's face.  "Now, we have just enough time to take care of this before Joey comes over for dinner."

Looking at his hand, Austin saw redness but the skin wasn't broken.  "Take care of this?  There's nothing wrong with my hand.  It'll be a bit bruised tomorrow, but there's nothing to take care of."

"Oh, not your hand.  By take care of this, I mean spank you," Adam said in a matter of fact tone.  "We don't have a lot of rules in our relationship, but one is to always be honest with each other.  You've not been honest all week.  Not with me and not with yourself. That deserves a spanking."

Austin couldn't argue with Adam's logic.  And to be truthful with himself, he didn't want to.  Although he wasn't looking forward to a spanking, he knew this was what he wanted in their relationship.

"Come on. We'll take care of this in the bedroom, where you'll be more comfortable.  And then you can go right in and shower."

Austin followed Adam down the hall and into their bedroom.  He stood awkwardly as Adam sat down on the bed.

"You can go ahead and strip off everything. You'll have time to take a shower after."

Austin started taking off his clothes.  Adam's voice and instructions weren't harsh nor were they said in anything but a simple matter of fact way.  It made the whole process seem normal.

"Come here," Adam said once Austin was standing bare in front of him.

Austin let himself be guided over Adam's lap.  His legs and feet hung on one side, and his torso supported on the bed.

"You need a pillow for your head?" Adam asked.

When Austin shook his head no, Adam began the discipline that Austin needed so much.  "We're still learning to live with each other, still finding out what makes each other tick.  I can't know if you are feeling overwhelmed unless you open your mouth and tell me.  This spanking is for telling me you are ok when you weren't.  That's called lying.  And I don't tolerate lying."

Austin clenched his cheeks together as the first of several swats landed.  Each splat of Adam's hand seemed to be a bit more forceful than the last until Austin's body started moving on its own accord.  His body tilted from side to side.  Austin wasn't sure if he was trying to avoid the hand coming down or trying to give it better access.

The fire in his butt was built up by Adam.  At the moment Austin wanted to yell for the spanking to end, Adam stopped.

"I think that's enough this time," Adam said.  "But if this continues or happens again, I'll bring out the paddle."

The minute Austin pushed himself up, Adam stood up also and engulfed him in a big hug.  "I love you," Adam whispered in his ear.  Then Austin felt himself released.  "Go shower.  I'll get dinner in the oven."

Austin felt an overwhelming rush of love for Adam as he walked into the bathroom.  His Adam knew exactly what he needed.  Yes, the spanking, but also the time after a spanking to come to terms with himself.  Later, Austin would want to cuddle and maybe have sex, but right after a spanking, Austin liked a bit of time to compose himself.  And he was thankful that Adam understood that.

Austin turned on the water in the shower, adjusted the temperature and stepped in. Raising his face, Austin let the water cascade over his face, letting it wash away all the stress from the week. Turning around, he flinched as the hot water from the shower hit his backside.  Slowly his body adjusted to the hot water and Austin lathered his body up.  He let out a small laugh as he lazily stroked himself.  What a mass of confusion he was.  While his mind had calmed, his body had become aroused after the spanking.  He stopped stroking himself and quickly finished showering.  Joey would be over soon, and Austin wanted to be downstairs to greet him.

After showering and drying himself off, Austin pulled on a well-worn pair of jeans and an old Go Army t-shirt. He left his feet bare and walked down the hall.   He could smell the lasagna and garlic bread that Adam had fixed for dinner.

Entering in the kitchen, he saw Joey sitting at the table.  "Hey, Joey. Sorry I didn't meet you at the door, I was in the shower," Austin explained.

"Bath before bed," Joey stated simply.

"Yes, you take a bath before bed, but I needed one after work.  I was sweaty and dirty," Austin explained.

Joey's eyes were flat and emotionless as he nodded his head.  "Sweaty.  Dirty.  Not anymore."

"No, not anymore," Austin agreed.

"Mind quiet.  The mind is quiet now," Joey commented.

"Yeah, Joey.  My mind is quiet now." Austin's eyes met Adam's across the kitchen. He never understood how Adam's autistic brother could see him so well.  But his mind was quiet and his heart was full of love for these two men.

The End