FICLET: Anatomy of a Neanderthal

In the It's Greek to Me series, there's mention of a Top School. I swear there's some secret Top School that teaches Tops how to be Tops. My imagination went into overdrive and I started thinking about a school for Brats. I'm not sure if this will become a series or not. I'm trying to think of a name for the school. But there's already been, one class! The first class is Anatomy of a Neanderthal!


Title: Anatomy of a Neanderthal


Welcome to Anatomy of A Neanderthal 101! You might want to get a pen and some paper to take notes. Now, don’t worry, there won’t be a test in this class. But when your Top goes into Neanderthal mode, you may want to refer back to the notes. You might get a chance to look at them when you are standing in a corner. Once you’re over the Neanderthal’s lap, it’s too late.

Ok, let’s get the class started.

The first thing you should note is a Neanderthal can be either gender. Male or female. We think it’s in their DNA. We’ve not been able to conduct any experiments on a Neanderthal, but scientific observation and data collected from Brats and Wenches worldwide lead us to believe it’s a genetic characteristic.

For some strange reason, we, Brats and Wenches, are drawn to them. And they are drawn to us. We love them. And they love us. You’ll study that more in Psychology of the Discipline Relation in your sophomore year. It’s a class you will take several times. I’ve taken it multiple times and I still don’t understand the thought process of a Top.

Ok. Back to Anatomy of the Neanderthal. A MUCH easier class.

When your Top goes all Neanderthal, they grow. They will get bigger. And I mean HUGE!!! It doesn’t matter if your Top is normally five foot six or six foot four, when the Neanderthal gene is activated they grow right before our very eyes! So, when you blink and suddenly your Top is ten feet tall, DO. NOT. PANIC. Just try to remember this is natural.

Now, you’ll probably look to their face to see if they are still in fact the Top you fell in love with. While you’ll see glimpses of that person, you’ll also see some other changes. Today we are listing those changes.

Do not flip out at the eyebrows. They start moving in ways you’ve never seen before! One stays where it’s supposed to be, but the other one? That one lifts almost to the sky!! Well, at least halfway to their hairline.

When that eyebrow lifts up, be prepared for your tummy to start tingling. In that good, not so good, terrifying, great way that happens. You don’t know if you are excited or a bit frightened. you want it to go on forever and you want it to stop immediately. So, in your confusion, you drop your eyes down just a tiny bit and meet his eyes.

Eyes that are no longer just flesh and blood. No, they are steel. Like ice-cold, hard metal! Eyes of doom! You just can’t turn away. No matter how much you want to, you can’t! It’s like they’ve captured you in a hypnotic stare. Hey, have you ever watched the Disney Jungle Book? The snake that hypnotizes Mowgli? That’s exactly what it’s like! Then the Neanderthal takes a deep breath and breaks the spell.

That’s when you notice, the FLARING NOSTRILS! It’s like their nose has grown wings like a bird. And those wings start flaring! Like so big you can drive a Mack truck in there! But, take it from me, do NOT mention that to them. For some reason, that makes them a little testy. Again, you’ll learn more about that in the psych class.

Ears become supersonic hearing. They can hear you mumble even when your back is turned. AND they are three miles away. Do not mock them or smart mouth them NO MATTER WHAT! They WILL hear you! Even if you just mouth a curse word, they still hear it! For some strange reason, most Neanderthals have an aversion to curse words. Just baffling I tell you! One well placed four-letter word can often adequately express your frustration. I don’t know if it’s the air that’s escaping from your lips or if those eyes of steel see your mouth moving.

Oh! And talking about mouths. Your Neanderthal’s mouth goes through a transformation as well! Their mouths become a line of disapproval. Like this straight immovable line. You may want to reach up and push his lips up in that smile you love so much. DO NOT DO THAT! They’ve totally lost their sense of humor at this point and they may smack your hand down. By this time, you probably already have smacks in your future, so you don’t want to add to the number.

Now, just a little further down and to the side is their jaw. You’ll see muscles there that you’ve never noticed before. This is called The Clenched Jaw, or TCJ for short. It almost looks like they are chewing gum. But take it from me and my sore behind, do NOT ask if you can have some of their gum too. Even though you are serious, they think you are being a wise-ass. Then they get all huffy and puffy.

Oh! Puffy! You’ll see their chest puff out. It becomes like all pecs and abs! Rock hard pecs and abs! They then fold their arms. I really do think it’s to keep their chest from puffing out so far it’ll hit you, but I’ve never been brave enough to ask. If you do ask and live to tell the tale, please submit in writing the answer.

They do eventually uncross their arms. Then you notice how LONG their arms have become. Don’t worry about the knuckles dragging the floor. Worry about how big that hand has become! Protect your butt! That ginormous hand may soon be landing with force on your poor innocent....ok, maybe not so innocent....behind.

Now, let’s move further below. No, not there! You will cover that in Sex and the Neanderthal next semester. I’m talking about their thighs. Thighs become as big as tree trunks! I can tell you why this happens. They want to give you a sturdy place to lie across. They don’t want you to slip off their lap and hurt yourself while they are destroying your butt.

As you lay across their thighs, before the destruction of your bum starts, you might notice their feet. Their feet become bigger than a boat! This is so you can hear them coming from miles away! The earth shakes as he comes stomping toward you. DO NOT RUN! Those gigantic feet can cover three times the ground you can. It does give you a chance to say goodbye to sitting comfortably for the near future. You might have time to hold a funeral for your poor butt.

I know this all sounds scary, but remember, becoming a Neanderthal is not a permanent condition. They do eventually turn back into the person you first fell in love with. They typically wrap their arms around you. Sometimes they’ll kiss you on the top of your head. You’ll feel so much better as they whisper reassuring and loving words to you.

Oh, look at the time! This class is over, but join me for our next class. Come back for topics and times for the next class!.


Class dismissed! (that means the end)